Oh Kibi

Ok So i thought i was going to die today - This happens from time to time when i over think things and get totally manic over the mere possibility of something happening

I cried for about 2 hours, cried cause i felt like a useless human being and cried because i am just a dreamer who never sees anything through. man did i cry. I even wanted to die! For that time while i cried i thought that the pain of slitting my wrists would be a fine reason for not going to India and not then having to admit that the real reason i wasnt goint was because i had infact missplaced my passport. And had lost hope in finding it!

So melodramatic, I know!

Now that i think about it - i dont think i wanted to die die. but i just didnt want to be around for this part of my life. i didnt want to be here for the realization of this possibility.
So instead of actually getting off my ass and looking for it - I lay there and cried my heart out. well that was not before ironing a entire basket of clothes (did i mention that in addition to being indecisive I am quite the procrastinator)
Two hours into my state of collapse my husband walked into the room and saved me, like he often does. He then proceeded to look for and find my passport :)
Now im going to India again. applying for my VISA on Wednesday and flippen packing my bags already! cant wait!I am Alive Again!! (He is rolling his eyes as he reads this)

He says that i will never get my life in order because i was never meant to do it alone. He says I am the visionary of the family and he is the operator... hmm... Makes Sense!

I'm Alive!

Feeling so blessed today, I went to one of my best buddies baby shower! man i have such a love hate relationship with those...i really do! I love giving and receiving fantastic, well thought out gifts, but i am probably one of the most indecisive people on this earth!

Talking about indecisive - we have started fixing our house up finally. its becoming somewhat of a livable space for us.
Bought a real steal of a deal vanity case yesterday that is now a table for our study room (yes we have a study now) we also bought bathroom sinks - which im not sure i like anymore and a new shower which doesnt work. All in all a good shopping day.

one of those mornings

I am glad to report that I have since calmed down from the absolute rage I had this morning – I have been considering ways to separate my moral issues from the damn world machine I operate in at work! Ag I hate writing out of anger, it defiantly fuels me alright but I don’t want this to become just an outlet for loathing, in fact id like to think of my blog as a happy place! Its just that every time I come back here I get so mad at myself for letting me be here another day. I may be delusional but I don’t want to have to not trust anyone and constantly look behind my shoulder all the time. I would just like work to be about work and not flippen world domination.
I am now sleepy from my anger its exhausted me to the 'enth degree.

Let me get through my day I think one nice drive home (zen music included) will do the trick – when I get home I shall go to gym and proceed to be start getting my life back

South East to ME

I feel like an emotional hole. i feel caught between this life and a life i so wish i could live.

I remembered today the plans i had for my life, to be a free spirit, to meet that need in the world around me that only i can fill.
To write, to be involved in the performing arts, to be a part of something big. I want to hustle and succeed, i want to love endlessly and see the world through happy eyes. i want a light heart and hopeful thoughts. i want to understand my path and follow it

I want to wake up feeling every breath is worthwhile and necessary.
Lord help me free of this melancholy life and take me to where i need to be. I fear i will die here, forget who i am here. lose that spark of life that makes me, me in this space. i need to be brave, courageous, take that leap of faith;

Please catch me.